About a month ago (it's taken me awhile to want to record this day) I was struggling between lunch and nap time. The time between those two events should be labeled, "should be nap time." I'm just as tired as the kids at that point and cranky too. Unfortunately, on this particular day, I didn't practice self control. I can't remember what my two year old even did but I lost it. I might have spanked her or put her in time out without proper warning, I can't remember that part. What I do remember is that I said, "I'm so disappointed in you" in the most condescending voice, multiple times. I wanted her to feel shame. I wanted her to truly regret what she had done and to make a mental note to never push me to that point again. She cried and I felt somewhat satisfied seeing her crushed. And then I was so sorry. I was wrong.
When I was twelve I lost my grandad. My dad spoke at his funeral and shared a lot of stories of his father, many which we humorous and made us all thankful for the man we'd known. I always remember one story though. My dad told about something he'd done wrong as a kid and the heart to heart he had with his father later. My grandad said, "I'm so disappointed in you." My dad could barely even get the words out. We all broke down. My dad then shared about how he wanted to make his dad proud his whole life and that he was extremely proud of his father. I know my grandad was crazy about my dad and that he was beyond proud of him. But, my dad remembers that discussion poignantly and the feelings that came with it.
My heart hurts at the thought of how devastating it would be to hear someone you love shame you with their disappointment in your actions. I know my daughter thinks the world of me and her dad and would do anything to please us. To have someone you care about love you that way is humbling. I know my actions reflect I am not worthy of this constant love. I cried later and had to ask my daughter for her forgiveness. I think she responded with a "yep!" It's by God's grace that two year olds won't remember these days later, even though shaped by them, it seems to be a grace period for learning how to deal with parenting frustrations in a healthier way.
My daughter is in the developmental stage of Shame and Doubt. She's trying to figure out the world every day in increasingly independent ways. While motivated by curiosity, she can be hindered by feelings of shame or doubt. Don't I want her to grow up to be a healthy independent woman who can make decisions by herself and not plagued by those feelings which blockage bravery? While she needs to learn to respect my instructions, I also need to be aware of her needs and curtail desires to control another person. And, I am to love her as my neighbor and to not manipulate her actions with my words. I don't want her to ever be ok with another person doing that so I must also respect her.
I am technically past the stage of "Shame and Doubt," which makes me frustrated with my actions and grateful for God's response. I share many things in common with a toddler when I compare my relationship with my children to my relationship with God. I do a poor job of listening and following instructions sometimes; practicing self control is a continuous learning venture; I like to try things my way first; I don't understand natural consequences... Thank goodness God is not like me. He is the perfect father. He is grace. I pray that I might become more like him in every way and I also hope to practice that quick forgiveness and constant love my daughter demonstrated. If you're feeling shame for your actions, that's not God. He doesn't work that way. He is the God of peace and can rescue you from your past and redeem your life today. Thanks be to God for the way he forgives me for that day and continues to work in my parenting. "Come now, let us reason together, though your sins be like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they be red as crimson, they shall be as wool." (Isaiah 1:18)
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