When living "missionally" it's best to be in relationship with people outside your home. When you move to a new location with that intent and with a two year old that loves slides, you think that the playground would be the perfect location for such an endeavor. It seems simple enough, right? Getting your kids out of the house and providing an adult conversation with another parent is a win win! Then, we noticed this strange thing happening at the park. We'd show up with our kids and chase the running one around the various structures. Sometimes we'd spin neighbor kids on the merry go round or let them pet our dog. Then we started to wonder if we'd be ok with our kids playing alone at the park downtown and touching a strangers dog. Would we be ok with our four year old being supervised by a sibling in elementary school? Where were these kids parents? And then we saw them.
Almost every time we go to the park now we notice the same thing, kids are playing at the playground while their parents sit in their cars in the parking lot. What does this mean? Are we the suckers and overprotective or wrapped up in our kids? Do we have a complex about who they might talk to or what they might do without us there? Are we assuming the worst of our neighbors? I'd like to think our involvement is the wise choice at this stage, especially since our oldest hasn't hit three yet. But, there are kids her age just being supervised by elementary kids (or maybe I'm just old and they're actually tweens). What could their parents be doing? Texting, talking on the phone, checking their e-mail, social media, the news??? Do they just need some down time because they've been with the kids or working all day?
Regardless of what they're doing, it just means that we're not chatting it up with the adults. So, plan B, make friends with the kids we meet there and try to love on them. Why was that ever plan B? Back to plan A, love on people (regardless of age and without an angle) and pray for relationships to develop. If you're in the same spot, you're not alone, missional communities take time! "Your love for one another will prove to the world that you are my disciples." (John 13:35)
Sunday, November 9, 2014
I wanted to shame her
About a month ago (it's taken me awhile to want to record this day) I was struggling between lunch and nap time. The time between those two events should be labeled, "should be nap time." I'm just as tired as the kids at that point and cranky too. Unfortunately, on this particular day, I didn't practice self control. I can't remember what my two year old even did but I lost it. I might have spanked her or put her in time out without proper warning, I can't remember that part. What I do remember is that I said, "I'm so disappointed in you" in the most condescending voice, multiple times. I wanted her to feel shame. I wanted her to truly regret what she had done and to make a mental note to never push me to that point again. She cried and I felt somewhat satisfied seeing her crushed. And then I was so sorry. I was wrong.
When I was twelve I lost my grandad. My dad spoke at his funeral and shared a lot of stories of his father, many which we humorous and made us all thankful for the man we'd known. I always remember one story though. My dad told about something he'd done wrong as a kid and the heart to heart he had with his father later. My grandad said, "I'm so disappointed in you." My dad could barely even get the words out. We all broke down. My dad then shared about how he wanted to make his dad proud his whole life and that he was extremely proud of his father. I know my grandad was crazy about my dad and that he was beyond proud of him. But, my dad remembers that discussion poignantly and the feelings that came with it.
My heart hurts at the thought of how devastating it would be to hear someone you love shame you with their disappointment in your actions. I know my daughter thinks the world of me and her dad and would do anything to please us. To have someone you care about love you that way is humbling. I know my actions reflect I am not worthy of this constant love. I cried later and had to ask my daughter for her forgiveness. I think she responded with a "yep!" It's by God's grace that two year olds won't remember these days later, even though shaped by them, it seems to be a grace period for learning how to deal with parenting frustrations in a healthier way.
My daughter is in the developmental stage of Shame and Doubt. She's trying to figure out the world every day in increasingly independent ways. While motivated by curiosity, she can be hindered by feelings of shame or doubt. Don't I want her to grow up to be a healthy independent woman who can make decisions by herself and not plagued by those feelings which blockage bravery? While she needs to learn to respect my instructions, I also need to be aware of her needs and curtail desires to control another person. And, I am to love her as my neighbor and to not manipulate her actions with my words. I don't want her to ever be ok with another person doing that so I must also respect her.
I am technically past the stage of "Shame and Doubt," which makes me frustrated with my actions and grateful for God's response. I share many things in common with a toddler when I compare my relationship with my children to my relationship with God. I do a poor job of listening and following instructions sometimes; practicing self control is a continuous learning venture; I like to try things my way first; I don't understand natural consequences... Thank goodness God is not like me. He is the perfect father. He is grace. I pray that I might become more like him in every way and I also hope to practice that quick forgiveness and constant love my daughter demonstrated. If you're feeling shame for your actions, that's not God. He doesn't work that way. He is the God of peace and can rescue you from your past and redeem your life today. Thanks be to God for the way he forgives me for that day and continues to work in my parenting. "Come now, let us reason together, though your sins be like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they be red as crimson, they shall be as wool." (Isaiah 1:18)
When I was twelve I lost my grandad. My dad spoke at his funeral and shared a lot of stories of his father, many which we humorous and made us all thankful for the man we'd known. I always remember one story though. My dad told about something he'd done wrong as a kid and the heart to heart he had with his father later. My grandad said, "I'm so disappointed in you." My dad could barely even get the words out. We all broke down. My dad then shared about how he wanted to make his dad proud his whole life and that he was extremely proud of his father. I know my grandad was crazy about my dad and that he was beyond proud of him. But, my dad remembers that discussion poignantly and the feelings that came with it.
My heart hurts at the thought of how devastating it would be to hear someone you love shame you with their disappointment in your actions. I know my daughter thinks the world of me and her dad and would do anything to please us. To have someone you care about love you that way is humbling. I know my actions reflect I am not worthy of this constant love. I cried later and had to ask my daughter for her forgiveness. I think she responded with a "yep!" It's by God's grace that two year olds won't remember these days later, even though shaped by them, it seems to be a grace period for learning how to deal with parenting frustrations in a healthier way.
My daughter is in the developmental stage of Shame and Doubt. She's trying to figure out the world every day in increasingly independent ways. While motivated by curiosity, she can be hindered by feelings of shame or doubt. Don't I want her to grow up to be a healthy independent woman who can make decisions by herself and not plagued by those feelings which blockage bravery? While she needs to learn to respect my instructions, I also need to be aware of her needs and curtail desires to control another person. And, I am to love her as my neighbor and to not manipulate her actions with my words. I don't want her to ever be ok with another person doing that so I must also respect her.
I am technically past the stage of "Shame and Doubt," which makes me frustrated with my actions and grateful for God's response. I share many things in common with a toddler when I compare my relationship with my children to my relationship with God. I do a poor job of listening and following instructions sometimes; practicing self control is a continuous learning venture; I like to try things my way first; I don't understand natural consequences... Thank goodness God is not like me. He is the perfect father. He is grace. I pray that I might become more like him in every way and I also hope to practice that quick forgiveness and constant love my daughter demonstrated. If you're feeling shame for your actions, that's not God. He doesn't work that way. He is the God of peace and can rescue you from your past and redeem your life today. Thanks be to God for the way he forgives me for that day and continues to work in my parenting. "Come now, let us reason together, though your sins be like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they be red as crimson, they shall be as wool." (Isaiah 1:18)
Saturday, November 8, 2014
Puppy love
At one point my family had a dog named Darby. I could wax eloquently about her greatness but let's just say she was the first black lab I loved. Strangely enough, I married a man who had a dog almost identical to my childhood pet. They look so much alike that on one occasion I woke from a nap with Bodhi in my face and called him Darby...only it was fifteen years later. And now, I care more about my husband and kids' well being than my dog. Please don't hate me. I'm guilty of forgetting to get dog food at the store and have gone to bed more than one night with a dog next to me (on the ground of course) with a growling stomach. Whoops. To my defense, our dog is obsessed with my husband and will skip meals when he's not around. (Even if I remember to put food in his bowl). Actually, it's probably good for his health that his dad leaves every summer for Reserves duty so he can slim down; he is one of a few labs his age that doesn't need to worry about his weight.
But here's the thing, James loves this dog. When he had a seizure last fall, it was a really emotional night and I prayed nothing would happen to him. I know that someone might argue the money we spend on taking care of a domesticated animal could be better spent. But instead I remember Proverbs 12:10a, "A righteous man cares for the needs of his animal." And I'm reminded that I am blessed to be married to a righteous man. Anyone can care for those that care for them, but what about those that go above and beyond and keep loving on the one who ate through the stair railing?
So today I'm thinking about how I need to remember to feed the dog, and saying thanks to God for giving me someone who thinks of others first. Righteousness, being upright in God's eyes, is a worthy desire for all of us seeking after Christ. True righteousness is the ongoing work of the Spirit.
But here's the thing, James loves this dog. When he had a seizure last fall, it was a really emotional night and I prayed nothing would happen to him. I know that someone might argue the money we spend on taking care of a domesticated animal could be better spent. But instead I remember Proverbs 12:10a, "A righteous man cares for the needs of his animal." And I'm reminded that I am blessed to be married to a righteous man. Anyone can care for those that care for them, but what about those that go above and beyond and keep loving on the one who ate through the stair railing?
So today I'm thinking about how I need to remember to feed the dog, and saying thanks to God for giving me someone who thinks of others first. Righteousness, being upright in God's eyes, is a worthy desire for all of us seeking after Christ. True righteousness is the ongoing work of the Spirit.
Naked
Last night I woke up to a cry about 4 in the morning. It was the kind you hear when your toddler wets the bed. Going in to her room I saw her climbing out of bed in the dark and coming towards me for a hug. She was wet, cold, crying and half asleep. I gave her a quick kiss, reminded her that everyone has accidents sometimes and began to strip the bed. Next I took off her wet pjs and went to look for a washcloth to wipe her down. Because I was also half asleep, it took me longer to get everything back in order in the room and I ended up making the bed before dressing the poor girl. So, I look over while pulling up the blanket on the bed and see her sitting on the floor on her knees, looking at the ground, completely naked. And I thought to myself, that's me.
If you've ever had a toddler, you most likely have experienced some delighted squeals and runs through the house right before or after an evening bath. Oh the joy of being naked and free! It's so much fun to be a parent and to see that happiness on your kid's face with such a simple pleasure. I've often thought, "oh if we were all that free." Now, I can take you back to the garden of Eden and recount why people ended up in leaves/ animal skins and clothes today. Perhaps you've heard it's because of our sin and the awareness that creates shame and leads us to covering ourselves. I know that when you first hold a baby in your arms and stare at them in a love struck gaze it's easy to think they're perfect and that they could do no wrong. Then you're awake at 2 am on day one and realize earth is not heaven and that we'll have some years of growing together! So, now that I have a two year old I am fully conscious of the words, obedience, respect, kindness, patience, self control, and wait. Sometimes it's actions on the opposite end of the spectrum that have me praying that my babe would learn them sooner rather than later.
So, I saw her sitting there without anything to cover her and remembered that there is nothing that can cover me in God's eyes. He sees me. There is no deceiving God. I have a lot more years under my belt and still have not conquered this obedience, respect, kindness, patience, and self control. And just like I picked her up and drew her close to warm her little body, the Lord covers me, he cleanses me and me makes me new. I need him every hour. "Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity." (Colossians 3:12,14)
If you've ever had a toddler, you most likely have experienced some delighted squeals and runs through the house right before or after an evening bath. Oh the joy of being naked and free! It's so much fun to be a parent and to see that happiness on your kid's face with such a simple pleasure. I've often thought, "oh if we were all that free." Now, I can take you back to the garden of Eden and recount why people ended up in leaves/ animal skins and clothes today. Perhaps you've heard it's because of our sin and the awareness that creates shame and leads us to covering ourselves. I know that when you first hold a baby in your arms and stare at them in a love struck gaze it's easy to think they're perfect and that they could do no wrong. Then you're awake at 2 am on day one and realize earth is not heaven and that we'll have some years of growing together! So, now that I have a two year old I am fully conscious of the words, obedience, respect, kindness, patience, self control, and wait. Sometimes it's actions on the opposite end of the spectrum that have me praying that my babe would learn them sooner rather than later.
So, I saw her sitting there without anything to cover her and remembered that there is nothing that can cover me in God's eyes. He sees me. There is no deceiving God. I have a lot more years under my belt and still have not conquered this obedience, respect, kindness, patience, and self control. And just like I picked her up and drew her close to warm her little body, the Lord covers me, he cleanses me and me makes me new. I need him every hour. "Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity." (Colossians 3:12,14)
Breaking bread
At dinner my two year old got down from her chair at dinner and came to my side of the table to give me a bite of her pumpkin bread. Except, she didn't just give me a piece, she tore one in half and said, "you eat this one mommy, and I eat this one." So, we shared a piece together. And I said, "hey that was like doing communion, did we just break bread together?" To which she responded (I'm sure she didn't understand what I said), "yep." Then I thought, wow, I never realized how intimate communion can be.
If you've spent some time attending a church you've most likely experienced the sacrament of communion, broken bread, the Eucharist, or the same thing called by some other name. Perhaps you went forward and dipped a piece of bread in juice or wine, or maybe you passed around some stale little crackers and juice. I've had it a number of ways including grapes (we didn't want to spill anything on our bridesmaid dresses) and animal crackers (college kids improvise). I've even participated in an underground church simulation where we shared communion in a tunnel that we snuck to in the dark. At our wedding we decided that if we were going to share communion that we would be offering it to everyone because, it's an invitation to share in the relationship with Christ.
Lately I've been thinking more about how people outside the church view some of our practices. When else do you share one piece of food with someone? Never if it's with a large group of people you may not know by name. (Cake doesn't count.) Friends do in a number of settings, but most often we offer people more of what we're having, rather than something we're eating off of. Would I ever give someone the last bite of my dessert? Sharing conveys closeness.
Here's something beautiful to think about: Communion is representative of that relationship with Jesus that is available to all of us. This relationship is intimate but oh so desperately needs to be shared. In sharing it we will more fully realize the significance of the gift. Communion is a celebration of grace and how much more can we celebrate when others are sharing in that grace with us!? What a delight it was to have my daughter share her meal with me, not so much because of the food given, but because her giving reveals her love. I want to love like this. The father has lavished this love on us. And Jesus? 'While they were eating, Jesus took bread, gave thanks and broke it, and gave it to his disciples, saying, "Take and eat; this is my body."' (Matthew 26:26)
If you've spent some time attending a church you've most likely experienced the sacrament of communion, broken bread, the Eucharist, or the same thing called by some other name. Perhaps you went forward and dipped a piece of bread in juice or wine, or maybe you passed around some stale little crackers and juice. I've had it a number of ways including grapes (we didn't want to spill anything on our bridesmaid dresses) and animal crackers (college kids improvise). I've even participated in an underground church simulation where we shared communion in a tunnel that we snuck to in the dark. At our wedding we decided that if we were going to share communion that we would be offering it to everyone because, it's an invitation to share in the relationship with Christ.
Lately I've been thinking more about how people outside the church view some of our practices. When else do you share one piece of food with someone? Never if it's with a large group of people you may not know by name. (Cake doesn't count.) Friends do in a number of settings, but most often we offer people more of what we're having, rather than something we're eating off of. Would I ever give someone the last bite of my dessert? Sharing conveys closeness.
Here's something beautiful to think about: Communion is representative of that relationship with Jesus that is available to all of us. This relationship is intimate but oh so desperately needs to be shared. In sharing it we will more fully realize the significance of the gift. Communion is a celebration of grace and how much more can we celebrate when others are sharing in that grace with us!? What a delight it was to have my daughter share her meal with me, not so much because of the food given, but because her giving reveals her love. I want to love like this. The father has lavished this love on us. And Jesus? 'While they were eating, Jesus took bread, gave thanks and broke it, and gave it to his disciples, saying, "Take and eat; this is my body."' (Matthew 26:26)
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